Anecdata alert: As a black American whose very large and tight-knit family is rooted in the Deep South, what you described about disconnection from extended family is completely alien to me.
I imagine readers who are Irish, Italian, Polish, Greek would have a similar reaction; as would readers who are Latino, Indian and Chinese. Indeed, I'd be very curious to hear Sarah Haider's perspective.
I can't help but wonder if your disconnection from extended family has an ethno-cultural component. (If I recall correctly, you described your family as vaguely Germanic, with almost no connection to an old country and it's folkways.)
Sorry to ramble, but I think what I'm positing is this:.
there's a subset of the American population disconnected from extended family
Of that subset, are they more likely to have a Northern European background (UK, Netherlands, Germany, Scandinavia)? Do those cultures place less value on the importance of family ties?
Super interesting. I never thought about the ethno-cultural aspect. My Big Fat German Wedding! Hahaha! I wonder if maybe Northern European families tend to be smaller, at least in the last few centuries, because they're not operating within religious traditions like Catholicism, which tend to lead to large families. But just thinking out loud here. . .
I didn't even think of the religious angle - now re-reading my own post I realize I mentioned several countries/regions in which the predominant religion is either Catholicism or Orthodox Christianity.
It makes a lot of sense, especially when you consider the multiplier effect. A man with 3-4 siblings marries a woman with 3-4 siblings and all the siblings get married and have children.
No clue how this will all look in the year 2050 given that almost EVERYBODY in the US is now having smaller families (with the exception of Latino immigrants, and a few smallish religious sects like evangelical Christians, Orthodox Jews and Mormons.)
There might be something to this. My grandmother (white European descent -- French, English, Scottish, Irish, perhaps a little Germanic) used to always insist we "always do what's best for us" as opposed to worry about family -- don't worry about coming to Thanksgiving if you feel like staying in, don't worry about church on Sunday if you have homework due Monday, don't worry about visiting if you're too tired. We're Unitarian Universalist, but more emphasis was placed on the Protestant work ethic, prioritizing work and school, independence, etc.
Perhaps it's no surprise that nearly everyone in my family found themselves drawn OUTSIDE the family to other families and cultures. My Uncle married his wife, in part, I think, because of her large, happy extended family. My mother has always been attracted to Black culture and often spent Sundays at a local church in the neighborhoods where she volunteered in Southeast DC. My aunt spent every summer for years with Lakota friends on a reservation in South Dakota.
I've developed a strong -- almost spiritual -- attachment to French culture and consider my French "host" family, with whom I lived for a year in high school, as my own. There's ~25 of us now when we gather all together! And I'm never so happy as when I spend the holidays with them. My little cousin has developed the same relationship with his Italian host family.
Anyway, anecdata but I see myself in what you described. Although, like Meghan, a part of me does cherish my independence and likes being able to choose with whom I spend my time and when.
This is interesting because my Canadian mother (French, Scottish, Irish heritage) has always been the type to let people off the hook so to speak. She never wants to obligate anyone. I see this as more of a personality type rather than a cultural influence, although I'm not denying cultural elements, as my mother was raised Catholic as well. It was always her fault or our fault, not the fault of others. My father (English descent) comes from a large southern family, and while we always got together for large family gatherings at Thanksgiving and Christmas, they faded away. When my paternal grandmother died we all went our separate ways as a large family. I felt bad for my kids since there is something unnatural about not seeing your extended family who live in the same town, although I never felt particularly connected and maybe that is the curse of my family.
Many choose to separate, isolate, or withdraw because they never felt particularly close to their families in the first place. I believe this may be the case with my father's family which had the components of a Southern Gothic -- mental illness, alcoholism, violence. While there is love, there are too many bad memories. I still celebrate Thanksgiving dinner with my parents each year. My husband, my sister and her spouse, and our children are there as well and I'm thankful for that.
I am so thankful that you write essays like these, showing the true joy of solitude and simpler family (and friend) structures. That “must need to justify” gremlin can take a hike ;) I find it so reassuring to know I’m not the only one who craves deep solitude like oxygen.
My favorite line, just exquisite! “maybe there’s a mystical element, somewhere in the mix, too. Not infrequently, while sitting alone with my thoughts, a feeling of peace will descend upon me that I can only describe as an almost divine awareness of the great luck of my own solitude. That is not to say the solitude itself is lucky (though maybe it is) but that having the ability to experience it as such is a stupendous stroke of fortune.”
Oh yes. When did solitude become a suspicious activity? The familial expectations during holidays are not always warm, welcoming, or well, familial. I feel sorry for the guy barfing on the bushes. And I raise my glass to Meghan.
Thanks for writing this piece! I’ve had many conflicting thoughts about this, and it’s an important perspective to share :) I also haven’t heard for JOMO, love that!!
When my married with children friends complain to me about not having any time or something annoying that their spouse/children did, I always jokingly tell them that I appreciate them validating my life choices.
I really appreciate this piece. I have a geographically distant and loving family with whom I've had wonderful holidays but the ease of not traveling and staying home alone tends to win out. I've had mixed feelings since the alone holidays began as a result of widowhood and were awful in the beginning but it's been enough years now that it's almost become tradition. Every-other- year-holiday solitude sounds ok.
Yes. This is beautiful. Thank you Meghan. I have a scattered and loving family but I can completely relate to the joy of solitude because at this age I have a lot of that and I also (sometimes) experience the quiet euphoria of it’s peace.
Meghan, thanks so much for this essay. I'm positive you've written about this elsewhere that I can go back and find -- but is the realization of your JOMO on family an ongoing position you think about; was there a particular moment in your life it hit you; did it slowly unfold over years of therapy and self-reflection and essay-writing; or something else? I, in a similar but opposite way, am constantly working on acceptance and joy in my relatively friendless existence (full in other ways, but not of dinner parties, conversation, get-togethers, friend dates, phone conversations, texting etc). So what's the more f-ed up position: being family-less or friend-less?
I feel this way exactly. I am an only child and grew up in a family that didn't exactly prize the concept of family, much less family get togethers. Like you, Meghan, I have plenty of friends and can be very social, but my preference is to be alone. I have been trying to embrace this lifelong disposition by reading about hermits (e.g. The Stranger in the Woods) and solitude (e.g. May Sarton's Journal of a Solitude) so that I don't feel so crazy. Our culture is so pro-group and pro-togetherness and one has to preface and justify one's desire to not take part in every single supposedly joyous event. The desire for solitude is stigmatized like the desire not to have children. Even in your essay, Meghan, you worry that you sound pathetic, and I, too, always say, "I know, I know, I sound selfish and cold-hearted, but I would rather stay home alone on Christmas (or Wednesday or any day)." Few people in my life understand this need and furthermore, don't respect it and won't give me the space. Some of my friends need to be around people all the time and tbh, that seems more pathological to me! I just wish we could all accept each other's needs even if we don't understand them. We loners aren't hurting anyone, FFS! Thanks, Meghan. You always make me feel less alone (paradoxically)!
Dearest Meghan,
This was very poignant and thoughtful essay.
Anecdata alert: As a black American whose very large and tight-knit family is rooted in the Deep South, what you described about disconnection from extended family is completely alien to me.
I imagine readers who are Irish, Italian, Polish, Greek would have a similar reaction; as would readers who are Latino, Indian and Chinese. Indeed, I'd be very curious to hear Sarah Haider's perspective.
I can't help but wonder if your disconnection from extended family has an ethno-cultural component. (If I recall correctly, you described your family as vaguely Germanic, with almost no connection to an old country and it's folkways.)
Sorry to ramble, but I think what I'm positing is this:.
there's a subset of the American population disconnected from extended family
Of that subset, are they more likely to have a Northern European background (UK, Netherlands, Germany, Scandinavia)? Do those cultures place less value on the importance of family ties?
Super interesting. I never thought about the ethno-cultural aspect. My Big Fat German Wedding! Hahaha! I wonder if maybe Northern European families tend to be smaller, at least in the last few centuries, because they're not operating within religious traditions like Catholicism, which tend to lead to large families. But just thinking out loud here. . .
I didn't even think of the religious angle - now re-reading my own post I realize I mentioned several countries/regions in which the predominant religion is either Catholicism or Orthodox Christianity.
It makes a lot of sense, especially when you consider the multiplier effect. A man with 3-4 siblings marries a woman with 3-4 siblings and all the siblings get married and have children.
No clue how this will all look in the year 2050 given that almost EVERYBODY in the US is now having smaller families (with the exception of Latino immigrants, and a few smallish religious sects like evangelical Christians, Orthodox Jews and Mormons.)
There might be something to this. My grandmother (white European descent -- French, English, Scottish, Irish, perhaps a little Germanic) used to always insist we "always do what's best for us" as opposed to worry about family -- don't worry about coming to Thanksgiving if you feel like staying in, don't worry about church on Sunday if you have homework due Monday, don't worry about visiting if you're too tired. We're Unitarian Universalist, but more emphasis was placed on the Protestant work ethic, prioritizing work and school, independence, etc.
Perhaps it's no surprise that nearly everyone in my family found themselves drawn OUTSIDE the family to other families and cultures. My Uncle married his wife, in part, I think, because of her large, happy extended family. My mother has always been attracted to Black culture and often spent Sundays at a local church in the neighborhoods where she volunteered in Southeast DC. My aunt spent every summer for years with Lakota friends on a reservation in South Dakota.
I've developed a strong -- almost spiritual -- attachment to French culture and consider my French "host" family, with whom I lived for a year in high school, as my own. There's ~25 of us now when we gather all together! And I'm never so happy as when I spend the holidays with them. My little cousin has developed the same relationship with his Italian host family.
Anyway, anecdata but I see myself in what you described. Although, like Meghan, a part of me does cherish my independence and likes being able to choose with whom I spend my time and when.
This is interesting because my Canadian mother (French, Scottish, Irish heritage) has always been the type to let people off the hook so to speak. She never wants to obligate anyone. I see this as more of a personality type rather than a cultural influence, although I'm not denying cultural elements, as my mother was raised Catholic as well. It was always her fault or our fault, not the fault of others. My father (English descent) comes from a large southern family, and while we always got together for large family gatherings at Thanksgiving and Christmas, they faded away. When my paternal grandmother died we all went our separate ways as a large family. I felt bad for my kids since there is something unnatural about not seeing your extended family who live in the same town, although I never felt particularly connected and maybe that is the curse of my family.
Many choose to separate, isolate, or withdraw because they never felt particularly close to their families in the first place. I believe this may be the case with my father's family which had the components of a Southern Gothic -- mental illness, alcoholism, violence. While there is love, there are too many bad memories. I still celebrate Thanksgiving dinner with my parents each year. My husband, my sister and her spouse, and our children are there as well and I'm thankful for that.
My father's side had a bit of that Southern Gothic thing going on as well.
Don't get me wrong. There are people of all races/ethnicities who disconnect from family due to dysfunction and/or trauma.
From an anthropological perspective, I'm more interested in the families who never had a connection -
and for no particular reason. That seems to be what Meghan was describing and what led me to the cultural factors.
Think of popular culture: can you imagine "My Big Fat German Wedding"? Or "Annika's Family Reunion"?
I am so thankful that you write essays like these, showing the true joy of solitude and simpler family (and friend) structures. That “must need to justify” gremlin can take a hike ;) I find it so reassuring to know I’m not the only one who craves deep solitude like oxygen.
My favorite line, just exquisite! “maybe there’s a mystical element, somewhere in the mix, too. Not infrequently, while sitting alone with my thoughts, a feeling of peace will descend upon me that I can only describe as an almost divine awareness of the great luck of my own solitude. That is not to say the solitude itself is lucky (though maybe it is) but that having the ability to experience it as such is a stupendous stroke of fortune.”
I love reading your essays, Meghan. Your ending here is so poignant! Grateful this year to have discovered your writing and podcast(s).
Amazing conversation here. Thank you all. Keep the comments coming.
Oh yes. When did solitude become a suspicious activity? The familial expectations during holidays are not always warm, welcoming, or well, familial. I feel sorry for the guy barfing on the bushes. And I raise my glass to Meghan.
Thanks for writing this piece! I’ve had many conflicting thoughts about this, and it’s an important perspective to share :) I also haven’t heard for JOMO, love that!!
Love this essay. I can relate to so many parts of it. And so many good thoughts in the comments, too. Thank you.
When my married with children friends complain to me about not having any time or something annoying that their spouse/children did, I always jokingly tell them that I appreciate them validating my life choices.
I really appreciate this piece. I have a geographically distant and loving family with whom I've had wonderful holidays but the ease of not traveling and staying home alone tends to win out. I've had mixed feelings since the alone holidays began as a result of widowhood and were awful in the beginning but it's been enough years now that it's almost become tradition. Every-other- year-holiday solitude sounds ok.
Yes. This is beautiful. Thank you Meghan. I have a scattered and loving family but I can completely relate to the joy of solitude because at this age I have a lot of that and I also (sometimes) experience the quiet euphoria of it’s peace.
You know yourself.
As an extroverted introvert I relate to this.
Thank you for this beautiful essay, Meghan.
Adore this, naturally. And fully relate to the joys of choosing solitude much of the time.
I love this essay. Thanks for writing it.
Meghan, thanks so much for this essay. I'm positive you've written about this elsewhere that I can go back and find -- but is the realization of your JOMO on family an ongoing position you think about; was there a particular moment in your life it hit you; did it slowly unfold over years of therapy and self-reflection and essay-writing; or something else? I, in a similar but opposite way, am constantly working on acceptance and joy in my relatively friendless existence (full in other ways, but not of dinner parties, conversation, get-togethers, friend dates, phone conversations, texting etc). So what's the more f-ed up position: being family-less or friend-less?
Wonderful essay Meghan. There is joy in solitude and I love when I have no plans, which is often.
I feel this way exactly. I am an only child and grew up in a family that didn't exactly prize the concept of family, much less family get togethers. Like you, Meghan, I have plenty of friends and can be very social, but my preference is to be alone. I have been trying to embrace this lifelong disposition by reading about hermits (e.g. The Stranger in the Woods) and solitude (e.g. May Sarton's Journal of a Solitude) so that I don't feel so crazy. Our culture is so pro-group and pro-togetherness and one has to preface and justify one's desire to not take part in every single supposedly joyous event. The desire for solitude is stigmatized like the desire not to have children. Even in your essay, Meghan, you worry that you sound pathetic, and I, too, always say, "I know, I know, I sound selfish and cold-hearted, but I would rather stay home alone on Christmas (or Wednesday or any day)." Few people in my life understand this need and furthermore, don't respect it and won't give me the space. Some of my friends need to be around people all the time and tbh, that seems more pathological to me! I just wish we could all accept each other's needs even if we don't understand them. We loners aren't hurting anyone, FFS! Thanks, Meghan. You always make me feel less alone (paradoxically)!