Anecdata alert: As a black American whose very large and tight-knit family is rooted in the Deep South, what you described about disconnection from extended family is completely alien to me.
I imagine readers who are Irish, Italian, Polish, Greek would have a similar reaction; as would readers who are Latino, Indian and Chinese. Indeed, I'd be very curious to hear Sarah Haider's perspective.
I can't help but wonder if your disconnection from extended family has an ethno-cultural component. (If I recall correctly, you described your family as vaguely Germanic, with almost no connection to an old country and it's folkways.)
Sorry to ramble, but I think what I'm positing is this:.
there's a subset of the American population disconnected from extended family
Of that subset, are they more likely to have a Northern European background (UK, Netherlands, Germany, Scandinavia)? Do those cultures place less value on the importance of family ties?
I am so thankful that you write essays like these, showing the true joy of solitude and simpler family (and friend) structures. That “must need to justify” gremlin can take a hike ;) I find it so reassuring to know I’m not the only one who craves deep solitude like oxygen.
My favorite line, just exquisite! “maybe there’s a mystical element, somewhere in the mix, too. Not infrequently, while sitting alone with my thoughts, a feeling of peace will descend upon me that I can only describe as an almost divine awareness of the great luck of my own solitude. That is not to say the solitude itself is lucky (though maybe it is) but that having the ability to experience it as such is a stupendous stroke of fortune.”
Oh yes. When did solitude become a suspicious activity? The familial expectations during holidays are not always warm, welcoming, or well, familial. I feel sorry for the guy barfing on the bushes. And I raise my glass to Meghan.
Thanks for writing this piece! I’ve had many conflicting thoughts about this, and it’s an important perspective to share :) I also haven’t heard for JOMO, love that!!
When my married with children friends complain to me about not having any time or something annoying that their spouse/children did, I always jokingly tell them that I appreciate them validating my life choices.
I really appreciate this piece. I have a geographically distant and loving family with whom I've had wonderful holidays but the ease of not traveling and staying home alone tends to win out. I've had mixed feelings since the alone holidays began as a result of widowhood and were awful in the beginning but it's been enough years now that it's almost become tradition. Every-other- year-holiday solitude sounds ok.
Yes. This is beautiful. Thank you Meghan. I have a scattered and loving family but I can completely relate to the joy of solitude because at this age I have a lot of that and I also (sometimes) experience the quiet euphoria of it’s peace.
Meghan, thanks so much for this essay. I'm positive you've written about this elsewhere that I can go back and find -- but is the realization of your JOMO on family an ongoing position you think about; was there a particular moment in your life it hit you; did it slowly unfold over years of therapy and self-reflection and essay-writing; or something else? I, in a similar but opposite way, am constantly working on acceptance and joy in my relatively friendless existence (full in other ways, but not of dinner parties, conversation, get-togethers, friend dates, phone conversations, texting etc). So what's the more f-ed up position: being family-less or friend-less?
I feel this way exactly. I am an only child and grew up in a family that didn't exactly prize the concept of family, much less family get togethers. Like you, Meghan, I have plenty of friends and can be very social, but my preference is to be alone. I have been trying to embrace this lifelong disposition by reading about hermits (e.g. The Stranger in the Woods) and solitude (e.g. May Sarton's Journal of a Solitude) so that I don't feel so crazy. Our culture is so pro-group and pro-togetherness and one has to preface and justify one's desire to not take part in every single supposedly joyous event. The desire for solitude is stigmatized like the desire not to have children. Even in your essay, Meghan, you worry that you sound pathetic, and I, too, always say, "I know, I know, I sound selfish and cold-hearted, but I would rather stay home alone on Christmas (or Wednesday or any day)." Few people in my life understand this need and furthermore, don't respect it and won't give me the space. Some of my friends need to be around people all the time and tbh, that seems more pathological to me! I just wish we could all accept each other's needs even if we don't understand them. We loners aren't hurting anyone, FFS! Thanks, Meghan. You always make me feel less alone (paradoxically)!
Dearest Meghan,
This was very poignant and thoughtful essay.
Anecdata alert: As a black American whose very large and tight-knit family is rooted in the Deep South, what you described about disconnection from extended family is completely alien to me.
I imagine readers who are Irish, Italian, Polish, Greek would have a similar reaction; as would readers who are Latino, Indian and Chinese. Indeed, I'd be very curious to hear Sarah Haider's perspective.
I can't help but wonder if your disconnection from extended family has an ethno-cultural component. (If I recall correctly, you described your family as vaguely Germanic, with almost no connection to an old country and it's folkways.)
Sorry to ramble, but I think what I'm positing is this:.
there's a subset of the American population disconnected from extended family
Of that subset, are they more likely to have a Northern European background (UK, Netherlands, Germany, Scandinavia)? Do those cultures place less value on the importance of family ties?
I am so thankful that you write essays like these, showing the true joy of solitude and simpler family (and friend) structures. That “must need to justify” gremlin can take a hike ;) I find it so reassuring to know I’m not the only one who craves deep solitude like oxygen.
My favorite line, just exquisite! “maybe there’s a mystical element, somewhere in the mix, too. Not infrequently, while sitting alone with my thoughts, a feeling of peace will descend upon me that I can only describe as an almost divine awareness of the great luck of my own solitude. That is not to say the solitude itself is lucky (though maybe it is) but that having the ability to experience it as such is a stupendous stroke of fortune.”
I love reading your essays, Meghan. Your ending here is so poignant! Grateful this year to have discovered your writing and podcast(s).
Amazing conversation here. Thank you all. Keep the comments coming.
Oh yes. When did solitude become a suspicious activity? The familial expectations during holidays are not always warm, welcoming, or well, familial. I feel sorry for the guy barfing on the bushes. And I raise my glass to Meghan.
Thanks for writing this piece! I’ve had many conflicting thoughts about this, and it’s an important perspective to share :) I also haven’t heard for JOMO, love that!!
Love this essay. I can relate to so many parts of it. And so many good thoughts in the comments, too. Thank you.
When my married with children friends complain to me about not having any time or something annoying that their spouse/children did, I always jokingly tell them that I appreciate them validating my life choices.
I really appreciate this piece. I have a geographically distant and loving family with whom I've had wonderful holidays but the ease of not traveling and staying home alone tends to win out. I've had mixed feelings since the alone holidays began as a result of widowhood and were awful in the beginning but it's been enough years now that it's almost become tradition. Every-other- year-holiday solitude sounds ok.
Yes. This is beautiful. Thank you Meghan. I have a scattered and loving family but I can completely relate to the joy of solitude because at this age I have a lot of that and I also (sometimes) experience the quiet euphoria of it’s peace.
You know yourself.
As an extroverted introvert I relate to this.
Thank you for this beautiful essay, Meghan.
Adore this, naturally. And fully relate to the joys of choosing solitude much of the time.
I love this essay. Thanks for writing it.
Meghan, thanks so much for this essay. I'm positive you've written about this elsewhere that I can go back and find -- but is the realization of your JOMO on family an ongoing position you think about; was there a particular moment in your life it hit you; did it slowly unfold over years of therapy and self-reflection and essay-writing; or something else? I, in a similar but opposite way, am constantly working on acceptance and joy in my relatively friendless existence (full in other ways, but not of dinner parties, conversation, get-togethers, friend dates, phone conversations, texting etc). So what's the more f-ed up position: being family-less or friend-less?
Wonderful essay Meghan. There is joy in solitude and I love when I have no plans, which is often.
I feel this way exactly. I am an only child and grew up in a family that didn't exactly prize the concept of family, much less family get togethers. Like you, Meghan, I have plenty of friends and can be very social, but my preference is to be alone. I have been trying to embrace this lifelong disposition by reading about hermits (e.g. The Stranger in the Woods) and solitude (e.g. May Sarton's Journal of a Solitude) so that I don't feel so crazy. Our culture is so pro-group and pro-togetherness and one has to preface and justify one's desire to not take part in every single supposedly joyous event. The desire for solitude is stigmatized like the desire not to have children. Even in your essay, Meghan, you worry that you sound pathetic, and I, too, always say, "I know, I know, I sound selfish and cold-hearted, but I would rather stay home alone on Christmas (or Wednesday or any day)." Few people in my life understand this need and furthermore, don't respect it and won't give me the space. Some of my friends need to be around people all the time and tbh, that seems more pathological to me! I just wish we could all accept each other's needs even if we don't understand them. We loners aren't hurting anyone, FFS! Thanks, Meghan. You always make me feel less alone (paradoxically)!